When I was in high school, there was a kid who would wear head-to-toe vinyl every single day. Pants, boots, hat, vest, jacket, gloves, sometimes even goggles. I spotted him so frequently that I felt I was doing him a disservice by continually referring to him as "that kid who wears head-to-toe vinyl every day," and so I dubbed him "Lionel Roy" for the simple reason that I could think of no other name that would rhyme with "Vinyl Boy." Eventually he stopped wearing vinyl, and I was, needless to say, very disappointed in him, and I even went so far as to write the lyrics to a tragic ballad on the subject, music provided by the then-boyfriend of one of my close pals. The song has since been lost in the sands of time (which is just as well, because my lyrics were pretty half-assed), and although I have contemplated a rewrite, for now, I think this similarly half-assed portrait will be a sufficient tribute to the boy who knew only of synthetic fabrics.