Things I'm Going To Miss About My House

I'm moving out of the ol' crack den, and into another town house with an identical floor plan. And yet here are the things I will miss (in no particular order):

1) Wacky dance parties at night in a well-illuminated room in front of the window.

2) The ghost.

3) The decorations (i.e. portraits of first ladies, tapestry of dogs playing pool, creepy painting of a child).

4) Two ant farms, no ants.

5) The fear that I am turning into one or both of the Edies from Grey Gardens.

6) Anti-gravity crate.

On Language

"Guppy" and "snoop" might be two of the cutest words ever.

What I Gave My Sister For Her Birthday

A tree branch soaked in shampoo and conditioner, just like I promised.

I am the best sibling ever.

News On The BillPullman Front

Text I received at 11:28 AM yesterday from my dear friend (and loyal reader of this here blawg) Angela:

"OHMYGODOHMYGODBILLPULLMAN!!!!"

And then at 11:34:

"I am currently sitting in the seat just vacated by Bill Pullman's ass."

Jealousy? Barely scratches the surface.

Also, if you have been wondering why I write his name as one word, it's because that's how I like to pronounce it. Also with diminished enunciation, so basically when I talk about him I sound like an 8-year-old talking about Joe Jonas, although obviously BillPullman and I have a more mature relationship (Read: it started as an ironic joke, and now it's a sincere joke. I think. Actually, I really have no idea. It's confusing even for me).

Gummy Worms

"I"m proud to put our name on this product. It represents the quality and value you've come to expect from CVS. I know you'll enjoy the great taste. As always, it carries our money back guarantee."

This is from a package of sour gummy worms from CVS.

I wish someone would give me a vote of confidence like that.

They weren't even very good gummy worms (yeah, the fact that gummy worms vary in quality comes as a shock to me, too).

Someone's In The Kitchen, With Or Without Dinah

So the other night, when I could have been alleviating the gigantic crush of work that will be hitting me tonight, I opted instead to sit in my kitchen reading the Fannie Farmer Cookbook and doing anagrams with my roommates. And hey, guess what? I am HORRENDOUS at anagrams (or maybe there just aren't that many anagrams  you can make from "Foxy Brown"). The cookbook, on the other hand, was far less disappointing, perhaps because it required no actual skill on my part. There was a recipe for "Birthday Cake", which was a weirdly specific walnut/raisin/orange affair, which I don't understand at all. Although I have had birthday pie since I was a kid, so what do I know.

My favorite entry was for Divinity, however, because underneath the name it said:

"Divinity is meant to be eaten in short order: it dries out quickly."

Live forever while you're young, kiddos.

Things I Routinely Fantasize About

-watching The Ten Commandments while snuggling with an adorable puppy

-riding a dinosaur while eating cotton candy

-going on a fishing trip with Karl Lagerfeld

-being in a convent and writing dirty letters adorned with dinosaur stickers to my secret lover

-being best friends with a sharkity-shark for a day and subsequently getting eaten

-the RZA being my next-door neighbor

-Sid Vicious and Pam Grier as my shoulder Devil and Angel, respectively

-being old and sitting on my porch and yelling at kids

-having a servant whose only jobs are to give me popsicles and make me toast whenever I want

Tessa's Big Day

Tonight I ate an entire cherry pie in 17 minutes and 34 seconds.

I have this feeling that when I wake up in the morning I will ask myself "Where do I go from here?"

It Never Fails

pieces of chewing gum=layers of clothing

When in doubt, add another.

I Feel Ya, Jupiter

Watching animated models of the planets orbiting the sun always brings back the indignity of getting lapped at swim team practice when I was a kid.

Yet Another Sign I May Be On The Fast Track To Becoming A Crazy Person

I had my College Jeopardy! audition yesterday! Very exciting, in a sitting in a room with fifteen nerdy, bespectacled twenty-something young men kind of way. There was a written test, and a simulation of the game, and then a personal interview, during which I was asked what would I do if I won the $100,000 that the college champion gets. And without even thinking I immediately blurted out the first thing that popped into my head:

"Hedge maze with peacocks!"

So we'll see if I'll be saying similarly ridiculous things on national television come April. But in the meantime, I did get a free Jeopardy! pen, so I already feel like a winner.

I Have Noticed

Two things that are pretty easy to get for free:

-crayons

-condoms

Why I Love Trader Joe's

While getting carded as I went to purchase a bottle of wine (and a cartload of awesome Trader Joe's snackity-snacks) a couple days after my birthday, the cashier noticed the date on my driver's license, wished me a happy birthday, and plopped this bouquet on top of my groceries. Totally brightened my day, which was subsequently darkened when I locked my keys inside my car (a car which, I must say, is probably entirely deserving of its own post, and which will probably receive it).

And yes, the flowers are being displayed in Tupperware. I do not own a vase. Shut up.

Putting The "Recess!" In "Recession"

I think I'm going to start prefacing all my statements with "In this wintry economic climate..."

FOR EXAMPLE:

"In this wintry economic climate it has become harder for me to tolerate people who use the word 'random' inappropriately."
or
"In this wintry economic climate one would expect the weather to be a few degrees cooler so that I could actually wear a damn scarf."
or even
"In this wintry economic climate I have to go to the bathroom."

See? Economic downturns are fun!

I Might Have Set The Bar For Clever Titles Too High, Or Maybe This Post Is Too Boring To Merit One

Forgive the lax posting. This week I have been consumed with number of things.

Chief among them (in no particular order):

1) Candy corn: As a purveyor of all seasonal candy, excluding Valentine's conversation hearts, this has been an important priority on my agenda given that Halloween is nearly at hand.

2) Dead languages: I translate them on a daily basis, and this takes time, and sometimes effort.

3) Contemplating a pact with the devil: I have been reading Goethe's Faust, and although I suppose I am meant to view it as a cautionary tale, I have to say, it makes the whole selling one's soul option seem pretty attractive. If only there were some kind of pamphlet for prospective soul merchants such as myself. "Is a pact with the Devil right for you?"

4) Bemoaning the weather: How, perhaps you wonder, might something so trivial consume so much of your time, to the exclusion of other activities? Well, dear reader, because it's goddamn October and I am ready for some gloom, and some tights-donning, and some scarf-wearing, and the weather has not been delivering (well, actually, today was an improvement), and I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! Network is a good movie; you should watch it.

With all this having been said (that was an ablative absolute, in case you were wondering; see item 2), you may expect to see some Venn Diagrams and really poor magic marker drawings in the coming days.

Okay, So Maybe I'm Clearly A Chump

I unintentionally lied when I said I would get right on updating this sucker, BUT I am back with a vengeance, and all the pen and thoughts your feeble human minds will be able to take!

STARTING NOW!!!

Good News!

I know I've been a bit of a deadbeat blogger of late, due in large part to technological issues, BUT you will (I hope) be happy to hear that I have a brand spanking new scanner and some new doodles to upload! Yay! Right? Yay!

More fun to come.

Is It Just My Obsession With Fishies This Summer?

Or is anchovy pizza the most delicious thing ever?

I'm going to go with "most delicious thing ever," in spite of the possible repercussions for such a flagrantly hyperbolic claim.

Or at least "a totally legitimate breakfast food."