Friday, May 29, 2009

We Didn't Need Dialogue, We Had FACES!

My love of Norma Desmond is no secret to religious readers of this blog/people who have spoken to me for more than ten minutes. Hence she is the first page of my current notebook.

By the by, if you will consult this clip, which I was kind enough to post for you last October, you will realize that the line is, in fact, "Mister DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up", not freakin' "I'm ready for my close-up, Mister DeMille." But then, being readers of this high-quality blawg, I'm sure you already know that/have heard me rant about it because I care about the important issues in life, like properly quoting Sunset Boulevard. Priorities, dear readers, priorities.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

That's Abominable!

I had a dream where this happened, and I made art out of it. I'm basically a latter day Dali.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hey Jeff Goldblum!

You guys, I know who the other marine biologist should be! (Thanks to my sister for sending me a text message this morning, reading "JEFF GOLDBLUM".)


Oh my god, Jeff Goldblum, I like you so much. Remember that part in Jurassic Park when you were all "This is chaos theory, yo." That was the best part, apart from all the parts with dinosaurs. You know what's even better than dinosaurs? SHARKS. Now, I know what you're going to say, it'll probably be all "BlahblahblahblahLifeAquaticblahblahbobloblaw'slawblog." But let's face it, Jeff Goldblum, it wasn't that good a movie. And everyone likes you! They want to see you play a rival marine biologist after a shark but in a great movie, full of action and suspense and not catering to snotty hipsters like me when I was in high school and that movie came out! A movie where sharks freakin' EAT people and it's all gross and stuff, and maybe even a KID gets eaten. I am writing such a movie! I will direct it! I will do the cinematography too! (I have a camera on my laptop, you see. And it's a Mac! You used to advertise for them!) I already have a handshake commitment with Bill Pullman to play the kindly marine biologist (sort of), and I want you to play the ROGUE marine biologist. He has a gun! Guns are cool! (sort of) You'll be kind of a bastard like that guy Harrison Ford played in that movie about space, I'll think of the title in a minute, but just like him, you'll turn out to be alright, but unlike him you'll get eaten by a shark! WHOA, right?

Anyway, I hope you will not let this opportunity pass you by or think that this is just some cheap excuse for me to meet you and hang out with you and maybe have a sandwich or a beer or something BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY NOT (sort of). I have enclosed some shark temporary tattoos that you can wear and show off to all of your friends. I hope you will be in my movie!

Your fan,
Tessa A. Strain

P.S. I've even seen Earth Girls Are Easy. Like ONE AND A HALF TIMES, no fooling!

P.P.S. I remembered the name of that Harrison Ford movie! It was Witness.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hey Bill Pullman!

Two things I am obsessed with: sharkity-sharks and Bill Pullman (the latter for reasons it could take eons to describe, so just accept it). WHY HAS NOBODY THOUGHT TO COMBINE THESE TWO THINGS? Clearly this is a cinematic void that must be filled, and if need be, I will do it myself. I thus present my query letter to Bill Pullman.


How are you? Was your weekend good? Mine was okay. I had a brainstorm! Your body of work seems to be missing only one thing. A shark movie! Would you like to be in my shark movie? I am writing it. I will give you the best part! You will play the gentle-spirited marine biologist who has lost a toe to a shark but still bravely continues to study them. I think you would be great! You could make a speech about how scary sharks are and how everyone should respect them, and then the townspeople could ignore you because they want to preserve the tourist trade. And you will shake your head sadly. Then you will team up with a rogue marine biologist! Who has a gun! You will have different ideas about how to to things. But in the end, just as you have learned to work together, the shark will eat the other marine biologist, but then you will defeat the shark! And win a medal! And a key to the city! And an attractive woman who has liked you all along will finally have the courage to speak up! The end.

I know it's not much on paper, but Bill Pullman, with the help of your acting I know it will be great! Please write back! I have enclosed several stickers with pictures of sharks (and sparkles!) to encourage your hasty reply.

Your Fan,
Tessa A. Strain

P. S. I really like sharks and you!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Gummy Worms

"I"m proud to put our name on this product. It represents the quality and value you've come to expect from CVS. I know you'll enjoy the great taste. As always, it carries our money back guarantee."

This is from a package of sour gummy worms from CVS.

I wish someone would give me a vote of confidence like that.

They weren't even very good gummy worms (yeah, the fact that gummy worms vary in quality comes as a shock to me, too).