Presented Without Comment

Together At Last

This painting is based on an actual photograph that appeared in Martha Stewart Living. So I took absolutely no creative license here (apart from changing an overly detailed kitchen into a pleasant blue background because I was really too lazy to replicate it). Martha Stewart, Alan Cumming, Margaritas, sombreros. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

I like to pretend that they do this once a week.

And that I'm invited.

Things I'm Going To Miss About My House

I'm moving out of the ol' crack den, and into another town house with an identical floor plan. And yet here are the things I will miss (in no particular order):

1) Wacky dance parties at night in a well-illuminated room in front of the window.

2) The ghost.

3) The decorations (i.e. portraits of first ladies, tapestry of dogs playing pool, creepy painting of a child).

4) Two ant farms, no ants.

5) The fear that I am turning into one or both of the Edies from Grey Gardens.

6) Anti-gravity crate.

Chuck Jones > Isaac Newton

Just a little cartoon physics on a Thursday night. Now watch more Looney Tunes. Doctor's orders.

On Language

"Guppy" and "snoop" might be two of the cutest words ever.

All Omnivore, No Dilemma

Screw you, Michael Pollan! You can't tell me how to live!

Popsicles prevent death. Spread the word.

What I Gave My Sister For Her Birthday

A tree branch soaked in shampoo and conditioner, just like I promised.

I am the best sibling ever.

In A Fit Of July

Venn Diagram Day '09 was an unqualified success!

Try this game at your next Venn Diagram Day celebration:

Have everyone write an assortment of nouns on little slips of paper. Each person then draws two out of the pile and has to make a Venn Diagram of those two words. Hilarity ensues!

Other fun Venn Diagram Day activities:

-Fly a Batman kite while listening to the theme from Batman!
-Do Jazzercise in the park!
-Make an unintentionally erotic-looking Venn Diagram cake!
-Have your friend make enchiladas for everyone!
-Picnic!
-Blow bubbles!
-Go for a swim!
-Watch Jaws!
-Build a Fort of July!

Hope you guys had a great Venn Diagram Day! I sure did.

News On The BillPullman Front

Text I received at 11:28 AM yesterday from my dear friend (and loyal reader of this here blawg) Angela:

"OHMYGODOHMYGODBILLPULLMAN!!!!"

And then at 11:34:

"I am currently sitting in the seat just vacated by Bill Pullman's ass."

Jealousy? Barely scratches the surface.

Also, if you have been wondering why I write his name as one word, it's because that's how I like to pronounce it. Also with diminished enunciation, so basically when I talk about him I sound like an 8-year-old talking about Joe Jonas, although obviously BillPullman and I have a more mature relationship (Read: it started as an ironic joke, and now it's a sincere joke. I think. Actually, I really have no idea. It's confusing even for me).

Yeaaahhh She's Foxy, She's Foxy Browownnn

Remember back in March when I took notes while watching Foxy Brown? I also did this portrait of her, saying what is probably my favorite line in a movie ever (hyperbole is my life's blood). Her face doesn't look as Pam Grierish as I would hope, but hey, it's smaller than my pinky nail in real life, so give me a break.

The title is my attempt to render the tuneless wailing and lyrical repetitiveness of Foxy's theme song.

We Didn't Need Dialogue, We Had FACES!

My love of Norma Desmond is no secret to religious readers of this blog/people who have spoken to me for more than ten minutes. Hence she is the first page of my current notebook.

By the by, if you will consult this clip, which I was kind enough to post for you last October, you will realize that the line is, in fact, "Mister DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up", not freakin' "I'm ready for my close-up, Mister DeMille." But then, being readers of this high-quality blawg, I'm sure you already know that/have heard me rant about it because I care about the important issues in life, like properly quoting Sunset Boulevard. Priorities, dear readers, priorities.

That's Abominable!

I had a dream where this happened, and I made art out of it. I'm basically a latter day Dali.

Hey Jeff Goldblum!

You guys, I know who the other marine biologist should be! (Thanks to my sister for sending me a text message this morning, reading "JEFF GOLDBLUM".)

DearJeffGoldblum.

Oh my god, Jeff Goldblum, I like you so much. Remember that part in Jurassic Park when you were all "This is chaos theory, yo." That was the best part, apart from all the parts with dinosaurs. You know what's even better than dinosaurs? SHARKS. Now, I know what you're going to say, it'll probably be all "BlahblahblahblahLifeAquaticblahblahbobloblaw'slawblog." But let's face it, Jeff Goldblum, it wasn't that good a movie. And everyone likes you! They want to see you play a rival marine biologist after a shark but in a great movie, full of action and suspense and not catering to snotty hipsters like me when I was in high school and that movie came out! A movie where sharks freakin' EAT people and it's all gross and stuff, and maybe even a KID gets eaten. I am writing such a movie! I will direct it! I will do the cinematography too! (I have a camera on my laptop, you see. And it's a Mac! You used to advertise for them!) I already have a handshake commitment with Bill Pullman to play the kindly marine biologist (sort of), and I want you to play the ROGUE marine biologist. He has a gun! Guns are cool! (sort of) You'll be kind of a bastard like that guy Harrison Ford played in that movie about space, I'll think of the title in a minute, but just like him, you'll turn out to be alright, but unlike him you'll get eaten by a shark! WHOA, right?

Anyway, I hope you will not let this opportunity pass you by or think that this is just some cheap excuse for me to meet you and hang out with you and maybe have a sandwich or a beer or something BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY NOT (sort of). I have enclosed some shark temporary tattoos that you can wear and show off to all of your friends. I hope you will be in my movie!

XOXO
Your fan,
Tessa A. Strain

P.S. I've even seen Earth Girls Are Easy. Like ONE AND A HALF TIMES, no fooling!

P.P.S. I remembered the name of that Harrison Ford movie! It was Witness.

Hey Bill Pullman!

Two things I am obsessed with: sharkity-sharks and Bill Pullman (the latter for reasons it could take eons to describe, so just accept it). WHY HAS NOBODY THOUGHT TO COMBINE THESE TWO THINGS? Clearly this is a cinematic void that must be filled, and if need be, I will do it myself. I thus present my query letter to Bill Pullman.

DearBillPullman,

How are you? Was your weekend good? Mine was okay. I had a brainstorm! Your body of work seems to be missing only one thing. A shark movie! Would you like to be in my shark movie? I am writing it. I will give you the best part! You will play the gentle-spirited marine biologist who has lost a toe to a shark but still bravely continues to study them. I think you would be great! You could make a speech about how scary sharks are and how everyone should respect them, and then the townspeople could ignore you because they want to preserve the tourist trade. And you will shake your head sadly. Then you will team up with a rogue marine biologist! Who has a gun! You will have different ideas about how to to things. But in the end, just as you have learned to work together, the shark will eat the other marine biologist, but then you will defeat the shark! And win a medal! And a key to the city! And an attractive woman who has liked you all along will finally have the courage to speak up! The end.

I know it's not much on paper, but Bill Pullman, with the help of your acting I know it will be great! Please write back! I have enclosed several stickers with pictures of sharks (and sparkles!) to encourage your hasty reply.

XOXO
Your Fan,
Tessa A. Strain

P. S. I really like sharks and you!

Gummy Worms

"I"m proud to put our name on this product. It represents the quality and value you've come to expect from CVS. I know you'll enjoy the great taste. As always, it carries our money back guarantee."

This is from a package of sour gummy worms from CVS.

I wish someone would give me a vote of confidence like that.

They weren't even very good gummy worms (yeah, the fact that gummy worms vary in quality comes as a shock to me, too).

Someone's In The Kitchen, With Or Without Dinah

So the other night, when I could have been alleviating the gigantic crush of work that will be hitting me tonight, I opted instead to sit in my kitchen reading the Fannie Farmer Cookbook and doing anagrams with my roommates. And hey, guess what? I am HORRENDOUS at anagrams (or maybe there just aren't that many anagrams  you can make from "Foxy Brown"). The cookbook, on the other hand, was far less disappointing, perhaps because it required no actual skill on my part. There was a recipe for "Birthday Cake", which was a weirdly specific walnut/raisin/orange affair, which I don't understand at all. Although I have had birthday pie since I was a kid, so what do I know.

My favorite entry was for Divinity, however, because underneath the name it said:

"Divinity is meant to be eaten in short order: it dries out quickly."

Live forever while you're young, kiddos.

Things I Routinely Fantasize About

-watching The Ten Commandments while snuggling with an adorable puppy

-riding a dinosaur while eating cotton candy

-going on a fishing trip with Karl Lagerfeld

-being in a convent and writing dirty letters adorned with dinosaur stickers to my secret lover

-being best friends with a sharkity-shark for a day and subsequently getting eaten

-the RZA being my next-door neighbor

-Sid Vicious and Pam Grier as my shoulder Devil and Angel, respectively

-being old and sitting on my porch and yelling at kids

-having a servant whose only jobs are to give me popsicles and make me toast whenever I want

Notes I Took While Watching "Foxy Brown"

There are boobs 30 seconds into this movie!

That's a really small gun.

"I'm a black man, and I don't know how to sing, and I don't know how to dance, and I don't know how to preach to no congregation, and I'm too small to play football, and I'm too ugly to be elected mayor."---He's not wrong; he looks like if Sammy Davis Jr. were hideous

Are those overalls? How did I not notice she was wearing overalls?

How could anyone be intimidated by a woman with bangs like that?

"That's my sister, baby. And she's a whole lotta woman."

Oh no, Pam Grier, I want the 'fro back!

"You tell me what you want done, and I'll do the hell out of. If the price is right."---You guys, I think she's talking about prostitution.

"Then why don't we adjudicate this matter in your chamber and maybe pass a few motions?"---This is my new pick-up line.

"And I got MY black belt in bar stools."---This is my new favorite movie

SHE JUST PICKED A RAZOR BLADE UP WITH HER TONGUE NO WAY NO WAY

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. OH NO WAIT I WAS KIDDING

They are on fire!

"Man, I'm ballin' my ol' lady, can't you come back later?"

Oh man, this is my new audition monologue.

She hit him WITH A PLANE

Oh my god EEEEEEW

Haha, that's what you get for having ugly bangs

The Inevitable Has Happened

And by "inevitable", I mean Dinosaur/Sharkity-shark showdown.

You guys, I didn't even use my "Fun With Dinosaurs" stencils to draw this.

To Everyone Who Has Asked Me What My Plans Are Once I Graduate College

They are this.

If There Is A God...

...then I'll turn into this when I'm old.

Tessa's Big Day

Tonight I ate an entire cherry pie in 17 minutes and 34 seconds.

I have this feeling that when I wake up in the morning I will ask myself "Where do I go from here?"

A Special Valentine's Day Message

At least Jesus loves you.

Your Patience Is Rewarded!

Remember back in October when I did that still life with cheap alcohol and snack food? Well, it's time for a reprise, this time with our good friend Two-Buck Chuckles and Trader Joe's Honey Nut O's! Holy cats, my life is so tasteful and classy.
Apologies for my nonexistent sense of perspective, making y'all wait this long for actual drawings, and the fact that it only occurred to me that glass was shiny when I was about 3/4 of the way done with this.

It Never Fails

pieces of chewing gum=layers of clothing

When in doubt, add another.

I Feel Ya, Jupiter

Watching animated models of the planets orbiting the sun always brings back the indignity of getting lapped at swim team practice when I was a kid.

I Could Do So Many "More Likes" With The Word "Peacock"

Another commission, this one from my pal Katie, who called me about 45 minutes ago asking me to design a peacock feather tattoo for her by 6:30 PM. Challenge accepted.